Surgery vs. Medicine

I AM a surgeon, and in making this assertion

‘Tis my apology for doing what I can

To set aside that undeserved aspersion

That says, while medicine is quite as old as man.

Holding within its vast consideration

All wisdom, learning, ethics, and decorum,

That surgery is claimed, as is a poor relation,

Being at best ” the opprobrium medicorum.”

‘Tis certainly a subject for humility.

And one ’tis hard for doctors to endure.

That they must own their utter inability

In many cases to effect a cure;

And then, with shrugs and sighs, their patients urge on

To give themselves their only chance for life

By calling on the poor, forgotten surgeon.

Who cuts and cures them with the dreaded knife.

But as for age, I’ll prove ’tis all a libel,

(The statement ‘s bold, but I could make it bolder)

For on no less authority than the Bible

I’II prove that surgery is surely older

Than any form of med’cine whatsoever;

And having finished, will appeal to the majority.

And have the point adjusted here forever,

That ” SURGERY IN AGE Can claim priority,”

‘Tis true the snake aroused the curiosity,

And gave to Eve the apple fair and bright;

She ate, and with a fatal generosity

Inveigled Adam to a luscious bite.

That from that time disease and suffering came,

Doctors were called upon to cure the evil;

The art of healing, then, with all its fame.

Was AT THE FIRST developed by the devil.

Med ‘cine thus stands coeval with the sinning

Of mother Eve. fair creature, though quite human.

While noble surgery had its beginning

In Paradise BEFORE there was a woman.

The facts are patent, and we all agree

‘Twas Satan laid on man the direful rod;

That DOCTORS are the Devil’s progeny,

While surgeons come directly down from God!

For thus we read (although the analgesia

Of Richardson was then entirely unknown)

Adam profoundly slept with anaesthesia.

And from his thorax was removed a bone.

This was the first recorded operation,

(No doctor here dare tell me that I fib! )

And surgery, thus early in creation,

Can claim complete excision of a rib

But this is nothing to the obligation

The world to surgery must ever own.

When woman, loveliest of the creation.

Grew and developed from that very bone.

Then lovesick swains began indicting sonnets,

And Fashion talked with Folly by the way.

Then came bulimia for becoming bonnets —

Hereditary epidemic of today.

Then, too, began those endless loves and frolics

That poets sing in soft and sweet refrains.

Doctors grew frantic o ‘er infantile colics.

Announced at midnight with angelic strains.

From this the world was peopled. So Doctors own,

While you lay claim to such superiority,

That surgery in the development of bone

As well as age, can clearly claim priority.

My task is done, and with my best endeavor

I have essayed to vindicate my art;

So list my friends, ere friendly ties we sever,

While waning moments bring the hour to part.

Whatever land, whatever clime may hold you,

Some time give honor to the bright scalpel,

And when you recollect what I have told you,

Remember me — ’tis all I ask. Farewell.

By: Dr. William Tod Helmuth